Why Am I Such a Perfectionist?: The Connection Between Perfectionism & Neurodivergence (Guest Post by Tyana Tavakol, LMFT)
In the eyes of society, perfectionism is highly praised. Perfectionism is associated with things like being a hard worker, driven, detail oriented, and other terms tied to a certain definition of success.
And, the underlying truth is that perfectionism is sometimes tied to something much deeper:
A drive to do so well that no one can reject or abandon you.
This core fear, amongst other possibilities, can exist for many different reasons, but in this blog post we’re going to focus on how perfectionism can come from past trauma or lived experience as a neurodivergent human.
About the Author
My name is Tyana Tavakol (she/her) and I’m a licensed anxiety and trauma therapist (LMFT) in California and Florida and AuDHD human. My online practice Uncovering You focuses on working with official or self late diagnosed autistic and AuDHD adults who struggle with anxiety, people pleasing, self esteem, and emotional overwhelm. I also provide mental health education and tips through my professional Instagram page Uncovering You Therapy.
As a colleague and friend of Laura Sgro, we both share a passion for bringing trauma informed and neurodiversity affirming therapy approaches into our clinical work as neurodivergent affirming therapists in California to support those who struggle with feeling like they are never doing enough even when they are doing more than most - in other words, perfectionism.
What Is Perfectionism?
The official definition of perfectionism by the American Psychological Association in part would be what you might expect:
“The tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation.”
What you may not expect is the second part of the definition:
“It is associated with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems.”
In other words, perfectionism is when we push ourselves beyond what’s needed to get things done “perfectly”. What makes this difficult is there is no objective way to confirm something is done “perfectly”, leading to an exhausting, anxiety inducing, and often never-ending exertion across a wide variety of areas in our life.
The Connection Between Neurodivergence and Perfectionism
Neurodivergence refers to being a human with a brain that has natural differences in how it processes information, regulates attention, and experiences the world compared to what’s thought to be more common ways of functioning - often referred to as “neurotypical”. Autism and ADHD are examples of neurodivergent conditions, along with the combination of both called AuDHD.
Many environments and societal expectations are designed around neurotypical, not neurodivergent, ways of functioning. What that can mean is someone who is neurodivergent may have a lifetime of noticing - either through observation or direct messages from others - that they are different from their peers. They may feel like there is something wrong with them for not being able to fit in or do things “right”.
Over time, consistently feeling like others understand how to do things “correctly” better than they do can lead to developing conscious or subconscious coping strategies. These strategies are designed to help them fit in better or be more “acceptable” to reduce the chance of rejection. One of these strategies may be perfectionism - the idea that if someone just avoids mistakes and gets things right, they can bury the feeling that there’s something wrong with them and be more “normal”.
Not everyone who is neurodivergent may develop perfectionism, but when it does develop this may be an explanation for some as the reason for its origin.
How Perfectionism Shows Up
The below are some ways perfectionism may show up.
Note: the signs are different for everyone, this is just a sample of ways.
Whether you are ADHD, autistic, AuDHD, or none of the above but you relate to perfectionism, reflect on which - if any - apply to you:
Taking longer than you’d like to send that text or email, or finish a project, because it has to be done “just right”
Avoiding bringing up a need to a partner or friend out of fear of upsetting them because you might say it “wrong”
Working past your capacity to get something done - whether it’s your job, physical fitness, or even doing someone a favor - no matter how tired or hungry you are
Truly struggling to feel like you’ve done enough, often feeling like your worth is tied to productivity
Finding yourself jealously comparing to others that seem “more perfect” than you, getting caught in spirals of self criticism around this
Overthinking decisions endlessly or asking reassurance from others that it’s the “best” choice
Next Steps
What’s important to remember is: perfectionism is not something you chose.
No one wants to be anxious about getting things done exactly right, but something in your life made it really important that you do just that.
And now that you’re aware this may be happening for you, the first step is to start bringing more awareness into what exactly is happening when the perfectionism tendencies pop up for you.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself when you feel that pull to go above and beyond:
Where did I learn that making mistakes isn’t safe?
What am I afraid will happen if things aren’t perfect?
Is this fear coming from the reality of my present, or does it feel familiar from an earlier experience?
What signs show up in my body that let me know I’m going into my perfectionism coping strategy? (e.g., a tight chest, feelings of fear, a flashback memory of old mistakes)
Conclusion
As you work on your perfectionism, just know it’s very normal to have some part of you that actually doesn’t want this to change. There may be so many benefits from the perfectionist part of you that has pushed you so hard to achieve, to get things done right, to be accepted by others. It may feel like if you change, you suddenly will stop performing as well as you do now.
So to clarify, moving away from perfectionism is not starting to do things with lower quality or becoming lazy. It’s learning that you can still care a lot about details, work hard, and accomplish amazing things - and - the moment something does not work out as you’d hoped, like a person does not like you or you make a typo…everything will still be ok.
— Tyana Tavakol, LMFT of Uncovering You Therapy
Hi, I’m Laura (she/her), a licensed anxiety and trauma therapist.
I provide holistic online therapy in Los Angeles and across California, serving anxious people-pleasers, high achievers, and neurodivergent adults who are ready to explore themselves deeply and live a fuller, more meaningful life. I work with folks navigating anxiety, trauma, neurodivergence, LGBTQIA+ identity, and challenging relationships.
By integrating both experiential and evidence-based techniques, such as ACT, EMDR, Brainspotting, IFS, and mindfulness, I provide therapy that addresses the mind, body, and soul. My goal is to help you feel less anxious, heal from painful past experiences, and find your way back home to yourself.
Learn more about me here!