6 Tips for Setting Intentions as a (Recovering) Perfectionist — and Why Intentions > Goals

Jan 8

What if this year, instead of setting bigger goals… you set intentions?

For me, the new year always feels like an opportunity to reset. I get super excited to think about what I want to do throughout the year. Unfortunately, that usually also means putting a ton of pressure on myself to change.

(Insert tangent here about how the calendar year is arbitrary and there’s no actual reason to torture myself with these kinds of expectations.)

Either way, this is the time of year when everyone starts asking about my new year’s resolutions and goals for the year. This usually looks like me saying that I’m going to start managing my time better (whatever that means), or drastically change my eating habits overnight to fulfill some expectation of what my health should look like.

Having vague AF resolutions coupled with my perfectionistic tendencies, it’s no wonder I haven’t actually achieved any of those things yet. So this year, I’m shifting my focus from traditional goal-setting to something more sustainable, flexible, and aligned: intentions.

In this post, I’ll walk you through:

Why goals aren’t always the best choice for anxious high-achievers
The difference between goals and intentions
6 intention-setting strategies to support your perfectionism recovery

Let’s start by redefining what “success” looks like in a way that won’t burn you out.

Why Intentions > Goals For Perfectionists

First, here’s a refresher on some of the unhelpful traits of perfectionism:

Holding yourself to impossibly high standards or expectations
An intense fear of failure or making mistakes
Tendency to think in absolutes (all or nothing; good or bad; perfect or worthless)
Comparing yourself to others
Procrastination, especially when it comes to important tasks
Extremely harsh or critical self-talk, especially when you feel like you’ve messed up

So, given these patterns, goal-setting can trigger shame, unrealistic expectations, self-criticism, and other challenges — and these things only make it harder to actually achieve them! So why is this the case?

Goals are future-focused, external, and outcome-driven. They often come from “shoulds” or comparisons:

“I should be more productive.”
“I should be further along by now.”

Intentions, on the other hand, are grounded in the present. They focus on who you want to be rather than what you do. They’re internal, values-based, and self-compassionate.

If goals say, “I need to achieve X,” intentions ask, “How do I want to show up while moving toward X?”

As a therapist who works with anxious people-pleasers, perfectionists, and neurodivergent folks, I regularly witness how traditional goals can trigger the shame-spiral:

You set big goals → don’t meet them perfectly → feel like a failure → double down or give up altogether.

Sound familiar? Me too. That’s why I recommend a different approach.

6 Tips for Setting Intentions as a (Recovering) Perfectionist

1. Start with your values.

If there was only going to be one bullet point in this entire post, it would be this one. Say it with me: Goals that are created based on comparisons to others or feelings of what you “should” accomplish are destined to fail. This is because they’re not actually important to you. It’s normal to want things that others have, but that’s usually not enough to actually motivate folks toward creating change.

Instead, try setting intentions based on your values. What is deeply important to you? What do you want to incorporate more of into your life? What matters most to you and why? Intentions that align with your values can guide you toward living a life that feels meaningful, which positively reinforces your efforts toward change. It’s okay if your values shift over time — the important thing is that you continue to reflect on what they are and how to move in alignment with them.

Forget what you “should” want. Ask instead: What actually matters to me right now? Intentions rooted in your values are more motivating than those based on comparison or self-criticism. And, values-based intentions are more likely to hold up when goals fall short. They remind you of who you are, not just what you’ve done.

2. Write them down.

Sounds basic, but it’s crucial. Spend some time reflecting on your values (see, aren’t you glad we did this in #1?), and then examine how you might live your life in greater alignment with them. Once you have an idea of what that looks like, write your intentions down! That could be on your phone, in a journal, on a vision board, or even in a text to a friend… whatever the medium, make sure you put them out there. These intentions will be what helps formulate actionable steps, so putting them out there encourages accountability and keeps you anchored to your purpose.

Don’t wait until they’re perfectly worded or beautifully journaled — just get them out of your head.

3. Define what success actually means.

Whether you’re setting a goal, an intention, or an intentional goal, it’s important to understand how you will define “success” — and “failure.” (Lookin’ at you, fellow perfectionists!)

Firstly, focus on what you can control. “I want to be in a relationship” is not a goal that you have control over. “I want to be an emotionally healthy partner for any future relationships” is an intention that is within your control, as long as you take the necessary steps to nurture it (going to therapy is a great step, for example). Then, ask yourself how you’d know you’re living that. What does that success feel like (not just look like)?

This step is so important because many folks set high (and often unrealistic) expectations for themselves without actually knowing what they’re reaching for. Taking our same example, what does “I want to be an emotionally healthy partner” mean? How will you know when you’re doing it? What might make you feel like you’ve succeeded? Failed? We often judge ourselves for failing when we’re actually doing quite a lot — just not as much as we feel we “should.”

4. Make room for flexibility.

Setting “perfect” and “forever” type goals is a huge trap. You might set goals that are too big, too vague, or too challenging, and then expect yourself to achieve them perfectly. High achievers and perfectionists tend to set rigid goals with unrealistic timelines. (Spoiler alert: life never follows the plan.) Instead, it’s important to make space for nuance:

What might this intention look like on a hard day?
What would a “B-minus” version look like to still count as progress?

This also involves being honest about your time, abilities, commitments, and resources. If you have obligations that take up most of your time, it’s probably not realistic to expect success as magically creating an extra 2 hours per day to work on a particular step. As we know, life throws curveballs all the time, and we have bad days, make mistakes, get distracted, shift our priorities, or otherwise have to change course. This is a form of all-or-nothing thinking, where we move from one extreme to the other without allowing for space in between to exist. This makes it easier to feel like we’ve failed, and can make us lose motivation to continue. So, to set intentions that are meaningful and have a higher chance of success, we need to allow for realism and flexibility.

Flexibility keeps you moving forward, even when motivation dips or life gets chaotic.

5. Break it into tiny steps.

Perfectionism sounds like: “If you can’t do it all, don’t do it at all.”

But intentional goals require intentional steps. In order to avoid all-or-nothing thinking, too-high expectations, and other perfectionism traps, we need to set the groundwork for gradual and habitual change. When setting your intentions, think about how you might break them down into smaller steps. From here, I recommend habit-stacking, which means choosing one habit or step to work on for a period of time and then adding another habit or step once the first one is more ingrained. Keeping track of your progress in those small steps can be a helpful motivator to keep you going. Rather than expecting instant results and feeling like you’ve failed, you’ll start to notice yourself gaining traction toward your overall intention.

Here’s an example:

Intention: “I want to be more present.”
Step 1: Leave your phone in the other room for 30 minutes a day.
Step 2: Add a 5-minute daily grounding practice.

This kind of scaffolding builds real, lasting change.

6. Focus on what to do — not what to stop doing.

Goals that come from a place of negativity are inherently less motivating and lack clarity. “I want to argue with my spouse less” is well-intentioned but a lot less powerful or actionable than, “I want to learn effective ways to communicate my feelings.” This reframe also helps you focus on what you have control over, like we talked about in #3. Goals that focus on eliminating things or stopping behaviors don’t actually tell you what to do or how to move forward, and potentially just lead to further guilt or shame when they inevitably don’t happen.

To avoid getting stuck in this trap, focus on what steps to take rather than what to avoid. “I want to communicate my boundaries at work” paves a path forward better than, “I don’t want to work so much.” Being clear about these intentions, and how to break them into achievable steps, helps set you up for success. Negative goals focus on avoidance, while intentions focus on aligned action.

Intentions can break the perfectionism cycle.

While setting goals can keep us focused and motivated, it’s all too easy to fall into the default trap of setting vague, unrealistic goals, especially around the new year. By focusing on your values, intentions, and setting reasonable expectations, you’re more likely to have a positive result. Where traditional goals can feel like a measuring stick you’re always coming up short against, intentions offer a gentler path — one rooted in values, mindfulness, and self-compassion.

Hi, I’m Laura (she/her), a licensed anxiety and trauma therapist.

I provide holistic online therapy in Los Angeles and across California, serving anxious people-pleasers, high achievers, and neurodivergent adults who are ready to explore themselves deeply and live a fuller, more meaningful life. I work with folks navigating anxiety, trauma, neurodivergence, LGBTQIA+ identity, and challenging relationships.

By integrating both experiential and evidence-based techniques, such as ACT, EMDR, Brainspotting, IFS, and mindfulness, I provide therapy that addresses the mind, body, and soul. My goal is to help you feel less anxious, heal from painful past experiences, and find your way back home to yourself.